My brain: HEY YOU HAVEN’T DONE ANYTHING AFTER WORK THIS WEEK BUT EAT DINNER AND WATCH TV AND GO TO BED. YOU’RE SUCH A FRIENDLESS LOSER. YOU’RE GOING TO DIE ALONE FOR SURE.

Me: But I’ve been sick? What was I supposed to do?

My brain: JEEZ, LIKE GO OUT IN PUBLIC AND HAVE ADVENTURES. GET DRUNK. INTERACT WITH OTHER HUMANS. 

Me: I have to get drunk on a weekday? I might be too old for that.

My brain: NOT OLD ENOUGH TO JUSTIFY HOW LAME YOU’VE BEEN LATELY.